The worst that could happen...

So, in owning my own business, I'd say the temptation to worry about "doing things right" financially has increased tremendously. What about taxes, what about marketing, what about maintaining clients...yadda yadda yadda. It feels like my "human responsibility" in life has like quadroupled.

Do you feel like that? Like you're trying to keep up with life?

I don't know what I'm doing in having this business. I feel like its what God's lead me to do for this season. So I'm doing it. But, I don't know all the laws and rules and forms and...stuff I don't even know to mention because I don't know about it...

Sure, I'm asking a lot of questions and getting a lot of help from others...but what if I miss something major?

Today I drove around running errands, and verbally confessed aloud once again my anxiety. Repenting. Asking God to help me trust Him. Confessing to Him that I know He is not looking to trip me up, and repenting of my wrong thoughts about Him. He sees my heart- my desire to be honest and be above reproach...and He can be trusted. He provides financially out of no where EVEN when I mess up.

My mind has been racing about how much I could owe (even though every person who's helped me has assured me I'm doing things right and this should be no problem for me), feeling a burden to save every single penny I'm making "just in case..." etc. etc. Anxiety.

Then. In the Holy Spirit's kindness, I had a thought just moments ago, "So, what's the worst they could do to me?"

"They" being the IRS when it comes to tax season. Or some business regulator somewhere. Or. Something. Someone who's big and powerful and wants my money. Who wants to destroy me. And my business.

I followed that through. "They could fine me tons and tons of money. Like. Enough money that I couldn't ever pay it back in my lifetime. Even if I worked all day everyday for the rest of my life."

"Ok." I thought to myself. "Then what?"

"Well...then I'd live a whole life in debt." (yes, you are reading about me talking to myself :)

"Ok. And...then...?"

"I'd die...and go be with Jesus forever."

Oh. huh.

Doesn't sound so bad.

Immediately Romans 8 was running through my mind..."If God is for us, who can be against us?" and "What can mortal man do to me?"

There is one enemy: Satan. He wants to destroy me for real. Destroy my faith and my soul. He won't do that by emptying my wallet (or, maybe he will try) but he will pester me and bother me and bug me until I am anxious and worried and fretting...even when the Most Powerful Sovereign King of the Universe has come to this lowly earth to bear my sin and shame, redeem me, and give me life eternal with Him. This God's ways cannot be thwarted. I am His daughter. And I have been promised His faithfulness.

I then want to look at Satan and say, "HA! BRING IT ON!"

Talk about perspective change. Glory to God.

Hope-filled waiting.

You're waiting. I know you are. Because you're human.

You're waiting on something. Or someone. Waiting for a circumstance to change. Or to receive "news" or an "answer". You're waiting on someone to change. Maybe to repent. Or waiting for someone to find you and want to marry you. You're waiting for the next season and wondering what it will be like.

Maybe it's news from a doctor about a diagnosis. Maybe you're waiting for your friend to desire reconciliation too. Waiting for your parents to finally start letting you wear make-up. Or to have a later curfew. Maybe you don't know what you're waiting for and you feel like the "best part" of your life is over.

Lately, as I've been thinking about the things I'm waiting on, God has been impressing it upon my heart to pray that my waiting would be hope-filled.

Hope does not put us to shame. Fact.

See, waiting isn't bad. It's apart of life. It doesn't mean we're discontent. But what we wait ON and what our hope is IN...will reveal our hearts and where our trust lies.

Immediately I recall Ps. 62:1...one of my favourite verses in the entire Bible.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence. From Him comes my salvation."

I am SURE I've written a post on this verse (or chapter of the Bible) before. At least once. So for right now, I will just highlight the words "alone" and "silence". ::long pause:: Ugh. I can't. I can't stop there. We can't wait for God alone and in silence until we know who this God is...and there He is! In the next sentence...from THIS God comes SALVATION.

SALVATION. Being saved. He initiates this. He completes it. He finishes it-- sees it all the way through. Not my idea: His. Not in my control: in His. In our waiting we mustn't put our hope IN circumstances or people changing. We hope IN GOD as we wait. THIS God. The God of salvation.

Hope in Him alone. AND. Without a word. No questions. No suggestions. Watching Him work without a thing to say because we so trust His hand. And timing.

And hope does not put us to shame. We will not be ashamed at any point in our lives because we were "hoping" and we shouldn't've been...

...that is. If our hope is in the right place.

Whats the difference? Well. If I'm hoping in circumstances...maybe that looks like hoping I'm married by a certain age. Or a specific situation has a certain outcome. I would be embarrassed if I boldly walked around declaring "Something was going to be as such" because I was "hoping" in it...and hope wouldn't put me to shame. Uh...NEGATIVE. That's not what Paul is getting at. We are to hope in GOD. Hope in the PROMISES of God.

So instead, I have hope not that I will be married by a certain age, but I hope in His promise that He has plans for me. He knows them. They're for good. Not harm. To prosper me. To give me (EVEN MORE!) hope. And a future.

THAT. Will never put me (or you) to shame.

We can have hope that in our affliction...His Word will give us life.

Hoping in the truth that this present suffering...is not worth the glory that is to be revealed.

I can soar with hope as I anticipate God not doing an "old thing"...but a new thing in my life. (Isaiah 43:18-19)

What are your favourite promises of God? What do you enjoy hoping in?

As we wait, let's "link arms" together in the promises of God. Reminding each other of the glories that we have to HOPE IN...

...that will never put us to shame.

Lies vs. Truth

Envision this:

Christ looked in Judas' eyes when being betrayed. The Saviour stood there as ungodly, wicked men stood around Him waiting to sin against Him grievously. Essentially foaming at the mouth to devour Him. And in that very moment of utter rejection and treachery, Jesus looked at His enemy and said, "Friend, do what you came to do."

Wow. I will never get over Jesus calling Judas "friend" here. Ever. Not in this moment. I cannot comprehend the mercy demonstrated in that one word…

And Christ continues, "Do what you came to do.” He essentially communicates, "No matter what you do to me-- I trust what God will do through even your sin." UGH that hits home. Can I say that to a friend sinning against me…in the moment they’re sinning? Can I stare my circumstances in the face and say, "Do what you came to do..." while viewing that circumstance as a FRIEND...whom God will use to do good in my life...even when it hurts so bad?

What is it for you? What feels like your enemy?

Are you being treated unjustly? Do you have a wayward child who refuses to listen? Is your marriage in shambles with seemingly no hopes for recovery? Do you experience chronic pain every moment of every day? Are you willing to work hard and unable to find a job anywhere? Weary in your singleness as another friend walks down the aisle? Tired of training your children who just don't seem to be changing at all?

What circumstance feels like your enemy right now?

…and then we pile on the lies.

Does God really know what He's doing? Doesn't He know this isn't what I asked for? The Bible says this desire is good…didn't God get the memo? Doesn't He see how He'd get so much glory if He just ______?

Did God really say not to eat the fruit of any tree in the garden?

Huh. Sounds familiar. The character of God is assaulted point blank; no denying it...since chapter 3 of Genesis. And the Liar isn’t very creative. He’s using the same stuff. And sadly, it works. We totally buy into it.

He confuses us about who’s our friend…and what’s our enemy. Even though God has always been faithful…our first thought is to doubt His faithfulness. God has always been wise, yet…we question His wisdom. He predestined that He’d have to send His Son to die for us…and He still created us—yet, we wonder if He loves us really.

Oh, would we trust who He is. Even when circumstantially we cannot see. Trusting His character. His promises. His grace to sustain us. To carry us. To bear us up. To do that which we cannot even imagine to pray.

It is with each doubt and question that we must embrace an opportunity to allow the enemy to do the very opposite of what he wants...preach the Gospel to us.

You see, when we question the wisdom, love, power and timing of God...our distrust is cured instantly if we consider the cross. And we can take these lies...these questions...the temptation to be suspicious of God...and we can walk straight to the Gospel. We can let the enemy create a pathway with which we then answer the questions with hard-fact evidence that God really is who He says He is; He's really worthy of trust. And we expose the lie for what it is.

For His thoughts...are not our thoughts. Oh! Would we learn to be comfortable believing this when we have no evidence of circumstantial change!

We are told that nothing can separate us from His love. Not things present. Not things to come. No current circumstance or fear of what’s ahead. Even when we walk in unbelief in His promises…He is still faithful to keep them. I love this about God.

So whatever it is you are facing today, and in this moment...may I encourage you? Keep going. Keep talking to yourself. Keep speaking Truth. Find the root of your doubt about God...or the aspect of His character you are suspicious about-- and flee to Scripture. Study how strongly God reveals Himself as your Loving Father, Compassionate Friend, Strong Helper, Wise Leader, Peace-Giver....etc. etc. And embrace the grace He's giving you in this trial. May it be sweet and rich to your soul. And enjoy being carried by Him through this.

Can't preach the Gospel to Jesus.

So the other day I started thinking...

...and. These thoughts are still brewing around in my brain. They might not be well-put-together quite yet...but...I was thinking about the things we (as believers) usually encourage each other in when we're struggling.

We point to the cross and declare that we've been forgiven and are loved...and will never know wrath. No condemnation...even though we deserve it.

We preach forgiveness, and grace. Mercy and healing.

We are compassionate as we hear other's difficulties and consider similar struggles and temptations in our own lives.

We remember peace that is ours...because we're reconciled to God.

Once we were sinners...now we are children.

And usually, we end reminding ourselves that no matter how bad it is, God is sovereign and He won't leave us. He is with us. And will stay with us through whatever we're walking through...

Then I began to think about Jesus. In the Garden of Gethsemane. The temptation to fear that must've lurked over him as He sweat blood.

I thought to myself, "What did Jesus comfort Himself with in those moments as He prayed the cup pass from Him?"

Did He say, "God is with me, and He won't forsake me." No. He couldn't. He was about to be forsaken...and He knew that. Gosh. How scary...that the One He'd known perfect communion with since eternity past...would reject Him. The Father wouldn't be with Him. Couldn't. He was becoming sin...and the Father is Holy. Christ couldn't look ahead to the pain He knew He was about to endure and think, "I can call upon the Father"...because the Father was going to punish Him. He actually WAS going to be all alone.

Did He remember, "Peace is mine because I'm declared righteous." No. He couldn't. Even though HIS righteousness was earned by HIMSELF (and mine is granted to me by another)...he didn't have that comfort. Peace wasn't His! There was nothing to "comfort" Himself with! ...and...yet...somehow...in this...He did not sin.

It's backwards.

We fear and we've been promised God's nearness.

Christ knew He'd be rejected and still...didn't fear. He trusted the Father's wisdom anyways. This...we will never experience. We will never be called to trust God AND be rejected by Him. We are called to trust Him and we are promised His nearness to us.

The Gospel is backwards to Jesus. If we were there in the garden with Christ...we could not encourage Him with the things we encourage our own hearts with.

He'd known (and deserved) only love from the Father, but got wrath instead.

He received undeserved condemnation.

He was perfect and was "unjustly" being punished.

Though He gave perfect mercy and forgiveness to those in His life, He was receiving anger.

He was a child, and now was being treated as a sinner.

And...He still obeyed. He still endured the wrath of God. All alone. So we wouldn't have to.

I'm amazed.

The Gospel is for every man that ever walked this planet...except for Christ. He is the only One who could not find comfort in the truths that we find comfort in. And yet...it is because of Him, and because of this...that we are able to have comfort at all.

Oh, may we respond in worship! He is King!

So...what do you think? Have you considered this? Is there something I'm missing? Something that needs to be added?

If God loved me, He would...

...how would you finish the sentence?

Give me a job. car. more money to pay the bills. Heal my family member. Reconcile my family. Bring peace to my marriage. Get me a spouse. Give me a child. Save my son/daughter. He would've given me a different past. or upbringing. He wouldn't've let ______ happen. What would you say?

The truth is. God does love you. And though He will continue to demonstrate His love, it HAS been demonstrated. And to its fullest degree...already.

The question is wrong.

God does love you. And He has given you His Son as a propitiation for your sins. He has adopted you and given you a beautiful inheritance...when you deserved separation from Him...and His wrath.

This week, as I've meditated on and studied Psalm 16, I have found my joy and freedom increasing. And. I've watched as God answers my prayer to grow my trust in Him more. As I talked with a friend tonight I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I listened to what I was saying and thought, "Wait. Where is this coming from? How come I'm having faith in what God will do? Why is it so easy to trust Him in this?" I deduced that friends must be praying for me...and I'm sure they are.

I then realized, "Oh! I've been studying this. WOW! It must be taking root in my heart- thank you, GOD!" Worship was the result of seeing God's faithfulness again: His Word does not return void.

This week, as I meditated on, "You hold my lot" and "I have no good apart from you"...many MANY helpful nuggets were concluded as "results" of these glorious truths. God's character is revealed here...let's not miss it.

HE holds my lot. I don't hold it. I don't even know it! I don't know what's ahead. I don't know what He's doing. But. I have a beautiful inheritance. No matter what I do...I cannot change God's plan for my life. AND...my eternity is secure. I can't manipulate Him. I can't "try harder" to fulfill my own desires in this life. Nope. It's in His hands. He's holding it. And He knows me. And my desires. And He's worthy of trust. ::Rejoice::

"I have no good apart from you." Oh my. This has been the sentence most demanding pause this week.

No good apart from you. Not, "...ya, this is probably what's best." or, "You give what's #1." No, not even that! NO GOOD APART. I don't just have "less good" apart from God. And blessings aren't just "better" because of Him. No. NO GOOD APART from Him.

IN Him contains all my good.

And then. It hit me.

That which He withholds, is equally as intentional and a demonstration of His love as that which He gives.

"Wow," I wondered. "Is that true? Is that Biblically sound?" He WITHHOLDS intentionally. On purpose. And He withholds as a demonstration of His love. It would be UNLOVING for Him to give me that which is not good for me. Amazing. And...so helpful! This allows me such freedom to enjoy that which I DO have...and equally, to enjoy that which I do NOT have...and submit to His wisdom, love, care, and truth...because I have no good apart from Him.

So. What's your lot today? Do you see His love for you? In what you have...and in what you don't have. That which you do not have...that you desire...do you see that it's because He loves you that it is not yours? If something is good for you...I mean, really good...like, for your soul...then, it is yours. He does not restrain His mercy from us. He loves to bless us. He delights to answer our requests.

Just as a father who bought a car for his son, would not give it to him when he was 8 years old...he has no use for it! It would be dangerous for him. The timing is not right. But at 16, oh, what a gift that would be! So much more appreciated and appropriate.

Sometimes, (who am I kidding?) MOST of the time, we don't understand "why not." Why is something not good now?

But that's where faith and trust come in. The very means that God chose to save us. We must exercise those muscles. Work them and let them grow.

Whatever our lot, would we take refuge in the Truth that we have no good apart from Him. He has planned good and not harm for us. He sees and we cannot. He knows and we do not. Why fight it? Why struggle with it? Submit to His will, and joy will be ours.

May you know this freedom and peace today...

Faithful God

Here is my favourite excerpt from probably my third favourite book ever. (That's a really big deal.) It's by Spurgeon and titled, "All of Grace." A friend from Wales, Emily, got it for me last Christmas.

"God is faithful, by whom ye were called unto the fellowship of His Son Jesus Christ."

1 Corinthians 1:9 (emphasis mine)

"The apostle does not say, "You are faithful." The faithfulness of man is very unreliable; it is mere vanity. He does not say, "You have faithful ministers to lead and guide you, and therefore I trust you will be safe." Oh, no! If we are kept by men we shall be badly kept. He says, "God is faithful." If we are found faithful, it will be because God is faithful. On the faithfulness of our covenant God the whole burden of our salvation must rest. On this glorious attribute of God the matter hinges. We are variable as the wind, frail as a spider's web, weak as water. No dependence can be placed upon our natural qualities or our spiritual attainments, but God abideth faithful."

Ok, if that's not good enough. Listen to how he gets specific.

"He is faithful in His love; He know no variableness, neither shadow of turning. He is faithful to His purpose; He does not begin a work and then leave it undone. He is faithful to His relationships. As a Father He will not renounce His children, as a Friend He will not deny His people, as a Creator He will not forsake the work of His own hands. He is faithful to His promises and will never allow one of them to fail for a single believer. He is faithful to His covenant which He has made with us in Christ Jesus and ratified with the blood of His sacrifice. He is faithful to His Son and will not allow His precious blood to be spilled in vain. He is faithful to His people whom He has promised eternal life and from whom He will not turn away." (emphasis mine)

Hallelujah. ::Rejoice::

Spurgeon later notes,

"The saints shall persevere in holiness because God perseveres in grace.

He perseveres to bless, and therefore believers persevere in being blessed."

Enjoy.

Personal Retreat October

I've been trying to go on a personal retreat about every 3 months. This weekend I stayed with some friends in an entirely cute apartment at the beach. It was glorious. What an absolutely precious time with the LORD-- meditating on Scripture, bathing in truth, having my favourite lyrics minister to me again and again on repeat...so wonderful. And in addition to that, catching a few rays wasn't so bad either.

This (below) poem was such an encouragement to me this weekend. I've read it numerous times. A dear friend sent it to me in an email yesterday and I can't stop thinking about it.

When other people blog quotes or songs or poems, I normally don't read them...so I don't expect you to either. But, in case your heart is hungry...

...feast here:

i know not what awaits me,
God kindly veils my eyes,
and o’er each step of my onward way
He makes new scenes to rise;
and every joy He sends me comes
a sweet and glad surprise.

where He may lead i’ll follow,
my trust in Him repose;
and every hour in perfect peace,
i’ll sing, “He knows, He knows”;
and every hour in perfect peace,
i’ll sing, “He knows, He knows.”

one step i see before me,
’tis all i need to see,
the light of heaven more brightly shines
when earth’s illusions flee;
and sweetly through the silence comes,
His loving, “Trust in Me!”

oh, blissful lack of wisdom,
’tis blessed not to know;
He holds me with His own right hand,
and will not let me go,
and lulls my troubled soul to rest
in Him who loves me so.

so on i go not knowing;
i would not if i might;
i’d rather walk in the dark with God
then go alone in the light;
i’d rather walk by faith with Him
than go alone by sight.

_mary brainard