Encouraging Tunnel Vision

You know how horses sometimes have blinders on their eyes so they can't see through their peripheral vision?

...I think Josh is my pair of those.

In the kindness and tender love of God, He knows my heart and aim is to keep Him first in each day of my life. To keep the most important things my priorities.

...and yet, with big business changes, unknowns in life's near future, and planning a party for everyone I've ever met, I need help to not just "be a girl" and get caught up in my emotions or sentimentality. I need someone to block my peripheral vision so my eyes are fixed on Christ.

This is why God has given me a man who fears Him, loves Him with his whole heart, has great compassion for me, comforts me, challenges me, and loves me so well that I wonder if this last year has been a dream.

I genuinely have enjoyed the Gospel more as a result of how Josh has demonstrated it to me over and over and over again.

I could not be more excited about learning from his focus and perspective...for the rest of my life.

We are 22 days and counting!

THE call

Sorry about the last post and being a day early; guess that's what happens when you don't look at the calendar until after blog is POSTED.

Well, folks, it's been one year. A year ago tonight as I headed out the door to Home Group, my phone rang. I screamed and jumped up and down-- met Emily in the hallway as we screamed in disbelief. She was yelling at me to answer.

I ran in the living room, cleared my throat and calmly asked, "Hello?"

...I'd missed the call. :)

Rang back right away and Josh and I set up another time to talk: after Home Group in two hours.

Journal entry January 5, 2011

"Lord! What in the world?! A phone call from Josh? An amazing two+ hour phone conversation about YOU?!

A flat out opening line of why he's calling? This feels like a dream.

I think he might be too sweet for me :) I don't know if he could handle this mess...

Father, please help me guard against imagining parts of his personality and character. If nothing else, I pray for a strong God-centered friendship. Please lead me and guide me. Reveal Your Word to me. Show me his leadership.

Thank you for encouraging my heart and building my faith.

Grow my love for You."

Glory to God.

One year ago today...or...tomorrow, actually...

My journal entry January 4, 2011

"So I'm at Starbucks and the internet isn't working (the MAIN reason I came here) so I'm enjoying a decaf cup of joe and reading and adjusting my perspective before heading to Panera to do work and personal stuff.

I happened upon Isaiah 40. Smiling with joy at the promises contained here. Many truths have encouraged me, but this particularly stands out:

"but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength..."

I love how this begins. "Do you not know? Have you not heard?"

Ha! I love it.

He does not faint or grow weary.

He reminds us here...that we will be tired and exhausted.

BUT.

But what?

BUT. If we WAIT on the Lord...our strength will be renewed. Ha! How ironic. The way to not grow weary is to wait for the Lord. Wait on Him.

Father, would I receive manna for TODAY. Help me not try to store up mercy or grace. Remind me of this, God. You have given me all I need for today. I ask for wisdom. In my time, interactions, decisions...may I be sensitive to Your Spirit, lean on you; trust you-- your character and your promises. I pray I would set my hope fully on Grace. May my eyes behold Jesus Chris. Help me to see your hand in my day...and be in continual worship and adoration. Help me be wise with my time and efficient. Would I work for you and not man. I wnat to be faithful and honor you with my business.

Just got a text from Josh!!!! :)

He's at the airport and watching a plane to O-town board. I CANNOT stop smiling and my hands are sweating. Great. Now I'll be totally distracted."

That is literally word-for-word what was written in my journal a year ago today.

...and now...just 365 days later...I sit on my bed typing with a glistening, beautiful diamond on my left hand given to me almost a month ago by this same man. My year (like many prior) has been full of waiting on the Lord.

...and I find it so precious that the very last thing in my journal prior to this godly and amazing man pursuing me...FINALLY the one who God has called to be my husband...right before his first text to me...

...was truths about God's character and His call for us to wait on Him.

My heart soars with wonder, excitement, and joy as I consider the faithful hand of God...as I marvel at his timing. Ah, the waiting for this is over: Joshua Morrison has been found. PRAISE THE LORD!

(Also, just as a side note of rejoicing: my car that broke down that I had to sell, and I was so disappointed...I MADE $50 on it when I sold it...and bought a new car for $350 less than I sold mine for. Not only did I not pay to have my car repaired...but I MADE money. GLORY TO GOD!)

Never-ending?

This season of my life is described well in one word: Waiting.

When people ask about updates on me/my life/my car situation, etc. I always sort of shrug, smile and say, "The same. Just waiting." Whether it's waiting on others, waiting to hear from the Lord, waiting until circumstances are a certain way before making a move...it's felt endless. I have seemingly no "answers." Just a farther away finish line than when I started.

Have there been temper tantrums along the way as I wrestle and struggle with waiting? Um, YES. Has God given more grace than I ever could've imagined as He calls me to wait longer and longer? Um. YES.

As the Christmas Holiday is upon us, I have been overcome with MUCH REJOICING as I'm finally in a relationship as I look at Christmas lights or hear festive music or visit family. For years, this has been the most difficult time for me as a single desiring to be married. I think its the most romantic time of the year. It has built my faith to see, "YES! God does answer us in our waiting! I won't be waiting forever."

As I've sought to reflect on the things I've waited FOR over the years, and now have (ie: a godly boyfriend during the Holidays), it has prompted my heart to pray for others who are in that season that I'm so grateful to be out of. I am hoping that in drawing my attention to what I've been given, instead of what I still see as a need, I will be cultivating gratefulness to God, and sensitivity to others. I need to get my focus OFF of me, and stop dwelling on my waiting...while also very much living in it, and trusting God with it.

So, this Christmas, can we join together around the singles in our lives who would love nothing more than to be in a relationship, especially around Christmas...and can we pray for them? Let them know that we're waiting with them? Love on them? Encourage and affirm them? Let them know we're thinking about them?

It can be very very very challenging to enter the Holiday season alone. Especially if most (or all) of your close friends are married or in relationships. Let us take this time to gather around, minister to, and encourage those who might need an extra hug this time of year.

In Andrew Murray's book, "Waiting on God", I read this helpful quote this morning:

"Dear soul, in waiting on God you may often be ready to be weary, because you hardly know what you have to expect. I pray you, be of good courage- this ignorance is often one of the best signs. He is teaching you to leave all in His hands, and to wait on Him alone."

And if you fall into this category: Single and waiting to be married, I pray that the God of all Comfort would meet you today. Would you know His nearness. His peace. His intimate love for you. And would your faith be built as you Trust Him as Lord over all your days.

Full days, full of mercy

My days the last few weeks have been packed.

I'm down a car (which is a blessing, I must remember) so am often thinking ahead and looking at days-- planning when I can borrow which car from whom and what will be least inconvenient for all.

Because my boyfriend is the most sacrificial person ever (well, maybe besides my mom...I guess letting me live inside of her for 9 months and then giving birth to me, gives her some territory for "most...ever"), he has made himself joyfully and willingly inconvenienced in order to bless me. every.single.day.

I get up before the crack of dawn, drive him to work, and come home. Sleep for an hour or so. Wake up again, get ready and pack my things, and head out the door to clients. After about 3 clients, I go pick Josh up from work, drive him home, and continue on in doing hair until 9pm or later. (Leaving him car-less.) Long days. Lots of miles on his car. Gallons of gas.

My wonderfully amazing scheduling coordinator is on holiday this week (hope you're enjoying your hubby, Em!) I'm getting home after 9:30pm to emails to respond to, phone calls to make, contracts to compile, profiles to be updated, etc.

My days are full.

And OH, how the Lord is meeting me. He's used the verse that most encouraged me when I thought my car was worth nothing and un-sell-able to minister to me in so many ways.

"Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have, for He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'" Heb 13.

God is providing for me even as I await His future provision.

I have cars to borrow. I have clients I'm still able to take to save money. He's not left me. He's not forsaken me. He's here. Amazing.

As I began praying for my "needs" the other day (because God loves when we come to Him and cast our cares at His feet) I felt prompted in that moment, to instead make a list of the needs I have that are provided FOR.

And as the list was written, it was almost as though my, "Lord please do _____" prayers shut up. I was even stirred with gratefulness for the toilets we have in America. I am so glad we have clean toilets to sit on-- not holes or outhouses. My comforts are ridiculous.

God delights to bless us, so I know I'm still to ask Him for things...He loves to show His faithfulness...but my perspective was so shifted, that I didn't even really remember the things I needed. He's provided SO MUCH, surely He'll meet those needs...whatever they are!

But it was a bit of a perspective adjustment as I considered that where Adam went wrong...was that he was focused on the thing he DIDN'T have...instead of EVERYTHING that he DID have.

And as these truths have been transforming me, my eyes are focusing more clearly on what's really important. It's not important how much money I have saved. Or what "timely manner" I'm able to find a reliable car in. What matters is that each and every single day, my clients are loved on, and have an opportunity to either hear the Gospel proclaimed, or in some way, see it demonstrated. That's it.

Because eventually, all the money I save, will be spent, and I'll be working on saving new money. Eventually, my new car (which I don't even have yet) will die, and I'll be car hunting again. Eventually, this season of life will be over...and I won't have an opportunity again to interact with those that I do now. And eventually me and my clients will die...and stand before a Holy Judge. And all that really matters will be revealed. And it will matter forever.

This is it: embrace this time.

He is Able.

Do you ever have things happen where you think, "Oh my gosh, this is the Lord blessing me in just the way I've asked!" or "Wow, God has so specifically answered that prayer request"...

...to only have that circumstance "fall through"...and you're left wondering,

"God, what was that? That was perfect...you were answering me...what happened?"

It's that "rug being pulled out from under you" feeling. (Though that is not the heart of God.)

I am sadly tempted to think subconsciously in those moments, that God is weak. Or that I somehow messed up. (ew. so NOT the Gospel.)

Sometimes its disappointing news back to back; other times the seeming rug-pull is so devastating it takes months to recover. Regardless, as these seasons and circumstances have come my way over the years, I have wondered what a God-centered and hope-filled response to "answered-prayer-request-followed-by-disappointment" would be or look like.

One perspective has helped and encouraged me: "He is reminding me that He is able."

A week ago I was told unexpectedly that my car needed almost $1,000 of repair. Disappointed, I decided to sell it. Only to be told I wouldn't get anything for it. UGH. I've been saving money for a while...but "new car fund" was certainly not the title of my savings.

Really? I mean. I have an on location business. I've been working so hard to save as much as I can. And this is pretty bad timing to be spending thousands of dollars I don't have. God, what are you doing?

...and in the midst of wrestling these thoughts, I continued to be comforted by the truths of Scripture.

"He who promised is faithful" would come to mind...and then I'd go read Matthew 6 to be reminded of the sparrows and lilies. My favourite verse this week became, "Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, for He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'"

I kept being amazed at how much JOY I was experiencing through God's Word even when I had no idea what was happening with my car or where in the world money was going to come from. I was marveling at the peace God was giving me; convinced others were praying. Sweetly refreshed by my tangible need for Him to provide.

After talking about it...Josh and I decided...I'd try to honestly sell it on Craigslist warts and all and see what I could get for it.

I got a phone call yesterday a few hours after our post went up...ok, JOSH got a phone call (he's handled everything car-related for me. He is so wonderful.) We heard from someone who wanted it for what I was hoping to get for it, and my heart soared with worship. I texted a bunch of friends to pray it went through smoothly, and was just elated. Worshipping, praising God, thanking Him; so excited. Marveling at how quickly it was all working out.

Got home and found my title, cleaned out the car this morning, arrived early at the "meeting place" with Josh...and as I pulled into the parking lot (knowing nothing was a "done deal" yet) I prayed, "Lord, please let me not be the one who drives this car out of this parking lot."

...and the guy was a no-show.

UGH. "But God, wasn't this you answering my prayers?" "What was the point of that? He could have just said he didn't want it."

In my disappointment, I sought to talk to myself and not listen to myself. "Be encouraged: God is just reminding you and demonstrating that HE CAN DO WHATEVER He wants and WHENEVER He wants to. He is showing me His power and strength. He doesn't need lots of time. He CAN do something quickly and soon with my car...if its best for me. But unless it's best, He won't. Trust His wisdom."

Josh drove us to church and we prayed in the car. And as we drove, his phone rang...

...and at 1:00 this afternoon, my car was sold for more than the first buyer was willing to pay. I did not drive my car out of the parking lot.

Surely such a quick "turn around" isn't the norm when it comes to the Lord's ways being higher than ours. And quite frankly, sometimes his ways don't look higher until years and years later.

But. We can trust that they ARE.

Whether your disappointment has come after years of waiting and hoping, or its something you just prayed about for the first time 5 minutes ago, you can take heart: He is able. Let His power and strength encourage you and build your faith. He CAN. He has the power. He is not weak. He is all-wise. He wants to remind you He knows best...will you trust Him?

Would our hearts be steadfastly assured of His love for us...and would we trust His wisdom.

God is faithful; REJOICE!

Lookin' good

It's amazing to me how un-creative the enemy is, how sneaky my sin is, and how surprised I am when new temptations arise.

If I begin something new, in a matter of weeks the Holy Spirit will be revealing to me how I've begun emphasizing the wrong thing in my initial "want to do good" endeavor. Welcome to Romans 7.

This time, it's vanity.

About a month ago I began working out consistently and just keeping an eye on what I'm eating and at what time. Though I've always technically weighed more than most of my friends because I'm tall and have left over muscle from years of childhood gymnastics, I wasn't looking for results on the scale. The goal was to have more energy during the day and feel better: just tone up a bit. No big deal.

Things were going great; I was seeing the results I was looking for and even sleeping better at night and waking up so refreshed in the morning. There have been far more bonuses than I'd even realized!

Then. Today happened. For some reason, I just felt like I went 4 weeks backwards...felt no different than when I started. Technically gained weight (I think- I hope! due to muscle) and became discouraged. Fed up, actually. To the point of anger: "This is stupid. I don't care anyways. Nevermind."

Thankfully, the Lord does not leave me in my sin. He began prompting and probing my heart. I then started having thoughts like this:

"So, when I was getting what I wanted...the results I wanted...this was all fine and dandy and wonderful. But when I stopped getting what I wanted...this ceased to ever be about wanting to honour the Lord with good stewardship of my body...and became about ME. How I look. How I feel. How I feel about how I look..."

...and I was convicted of my vanity. I became central. I'd made this an idol.

I think being in the hair and make-up industry, the pull towards vanity can be even stronger. My profession is beauty. Making things more beautiful to the eye. Being critical to then "fix" something. I've been praying that I would believe Scripture, "Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I've been asking God to grow my fear of Him...and to make me more concerned about my fear of Him than what I look/feel like. I want to prioritize my soul over my body.

And as I've been confessing this today and getting my (wonderful) boyfriend to pray with me and for me, the depth of it has really begun to increase in my eyes. I've noticed that subtly and in fleeting thoughts, I've made someone else's body an idol. "I want to look like THAT."

Now. Is there anything inherently wrong with that thought? I don't think necessarily. Having goals can be wonderful and motivate us-- and being healthy and in shape can be a great thing! But I've been asking myself...what emphasis am I putting on it? Is it in it's right place? Am I COVETING something I don't have? Or am I seeking to honour the Lord with my body; as a temple of His Holy Spirit and trusting that He's being honoured in my journey as I seek to accomplish my goal?

There are many "good" reasons to lose weight and get in shape. A teenager could exercise faithfully to make the team-- seeking to glorify God with her athleticism. A wife could want to tone up to bless her husband. Or a mom might be fighting for energy to play with the kids and (oddly enough) working out seems to be the way to go. Whatever the reason, desiring to be more in shape is not always discontentment.

It's not the "what" we're doing. It's the "why." And its constantly examining our hearts and inviting the Lord into our thoughts as we go that will help us grow in godliness. We can grow nearer to Him, enjoy and treasure the Gospel more, and glorify Him in new ways in our lives by inviting Him in...even to the mundane. Into our work outs. :)

Anyways, I know enough ladies battle vanity that there might be at least one reader that this might hopefully encourage: you're not alone.

May our hearts be fully His as our gaze is on His glory and not our own.