Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Very weak in joy.

I imagine very few people will be able to relate to this posting. It is obscure, and I would guess...unusual.

Here I am, in my home-- making a salad with local produce from next door. I'm beyond-happily married to the most amazing man ever. And I cannot believe a man such as THAT loves ME. I am about to sit down and open my Bible and enjoy Truth. Today has consisted of so many fun things- creating a care package for a friend going out of the country on a missions trip, baking, cleaning, riding my bike through our adorable town to run an errand at CVS {the weather is beautiful} and I am just soaking in all of the temporary, yet so hoped-for and waited-for blessings this current season holds.

And I notice yet again, this bizarre mis-conception of God that I've seen at other times in recent years and in re-occurring conversations...

It's as though, I'm "afraid" or hesitant to go to God in abundant joy continuing to thank Him for all of these beautiful things that remind me of His love.

You see, with back-to-back traumatic, heart wrenching, rug pulled out from under me trials and heart aches in circumstances and relationships for a consecutive 5 years...I learned of God's love as I could tangibly feel my weakness. He ministered to me so sweetly in the midst of darkness. As I quoted His promises and swallowed tears. As I journaled about "hope" and "the future" and "redemption." In countless times of loneliness and misunderstanding, I knew He was with me and He understood. Glorious. Beautiful. Wouldn't trade those things I've learned for anything.

And yet, that is the opposite kind of season I find myself in now. My distorted perspective that's been revealed in the past couple of years, is that God prefers when I go through trials and tangibly experience my need for Him. He would rather me be alone and in pain because that's when I'm most rigorously being conformed to the image of Christ. I functionally believe the lie that God is more pleased with me when I'm struggling...because I know His nearness in a different way than in times of rejoicing.

And yet...this season of rejoicing has been long-lasting. The longest-lasting I can remember. The longest "stretch" of happiness and ease in my life. {And without question, the happiest time in my life.} And I am still sorting out how to best glorify God from my heart in this season. I at times find myself reluctant to thank Him for all the little blessings, because {oh this is so ridiculous!} I think if He realized how many gifts He was giving me all at one time, He might take some of them away to better "balance" this season out. Horrifying. That is so not His character. As if He "keeps track" to not "overdue it." What does this reveal about my lack of understanding of the Gospel?!

He loves to bless me. It is easy for me to remember that in times of trial. I look ahead to the "blessings" that whatever "growth" I'm experiencing will lead to. But it is so hard for me to TRULY believe He loves to bless me...when I'm receiving the blessing. Which is so ironic...because I could counsel someone else all day long on how much God loves to bless them. I must subconsciously think I don't fall under the same category.

I have been so perplexed about how to overcome this perspective and how to replace it with truth. Not just in my mind...but in my heart. I want to LIVE like I believe this.

It turns out...I am weak in seasons of joy. I am reluctant and hesitant. Oh, how I want that to change. I want to be strong in joy. Unashamed of the blessings God is giving me! 

1 comment:

shereesmusings said...

Someone helped me with this one time. He said it sounded like I was apologizing for God's blessing. When times were hard, I was defending God; telling people that God wasn't being mean or harsh because we were going through a time of trial. But just as God chooses our trials He chooses our blessings. When blessing came, I felt apologetic. Uneasy about being JUST as communicative about God during blessing as I was during the trials. So I understand your struggle but also agree it's not biblical. :-) Your desire to plumb your heart inspires me...how I miss you. But please don't apologize for God's amazing blessings in your life. I am moved to tears when I read about how happy you are...I can't imagine how thrilled your Father is! Love you!