Thursday, November 8, 2012

Twisted Truth.

A very wise woman once asked me, "What truth is it that's 'gone wrong' for you to be thinking this way? What good thing has become distorted?"

At the time, I was convinced God was more pleased with me in seasons of suffering. In suffering I'd thought, "This is God's kindness to me. He loves me and wants me to enjoy more of Him and His promises right now.  He loves to grow me, and I grow in trials. He wants to keep me near Him- that's why this trial is here."

Now, can that thought be true? Absolutely it can.

But when taken to the "enth" degree, seasons of prosperity {ehem, like now for me} can feel like God is far away. Or that something is wrong if I don't tangibly feel my need for Him like I did in a more trying time.

...unless it is replaced with thoughts like, "This prosperity is God's kindness to me. He loves me and wants me to enjoy more of Him and His gifts right now. He wants to keep me near Him and show me His goodness- that's why this prosperity is here."

...why is it that the second is far more difficult for me to believe? And remind myself of?

I live as though I believe it is more godly to suffer.

We cannot control whether we suffer or prosper, nor the seasons they change. The "season" is not more godly or ungodly. It's how we RESPOND to the season that reveals our hearts.

I am currently doing a project for my counseling class on "the fear of disillusionment." Basically, the twisted truth here, is over-weighing the thoughts and observations of others to the degree that my own discernment or perspective is not valid.

I fear that I am walking, living in, and blind to destructive sin patterns in my life that others from far away can see, but  I {and those closest to me} can't. When incorrectly accused, even if I have many observations from people very close to me that strongly disagree with the accusation, I find it incredibly difficult to dismiss it.

...and not because I want to protect my reputation...but because I fear there MUST be truth in what they brought.

I am learning that my definition of humility and understanding of how to pursue it, is incomplete and at times, totally inaccurate.

My husband and I just read through Job...and it was revealed only more. Job did not waiver to "agree" with the wrong conclusions his friends presented/corrected/rebuked him with. And somehow, at the end of Job, God does not correct Job for dismissing and disagreeing with his "WISE" friend's correction. In fact, God tells these accusing counselors, that they "did not speak what was right about Him" but that Job HAD. This literally blows my mind.

As I am searching Scripture in preparation for this paper, I am finding so many verses that I mentally use as my "reasoning" or "logic" behind how I respond to accusation that I believe is false.

The "good thing" is that I distrust myself and value other's input in my life.

...but this has been taken to an unhealthy, sinful level. I am instead dismissing my own thoughts/perspective, and at times, down-right FACTS to somehow make these observations plausible. And the spiral affect is that I hesitate to bring observations to others because I don't want to cause the same difficulty for them if they don't agree and my observation is just incomplete. Oh, it affects so many things...

I know I can't see things totally clearly. But I have a hard time resolving that OTHERS can't always see things totally clearly.

I don't think a whole lot of people read this blog anymore :) but if you're reading this, would you mind praying for me? As I sort thought my thoughts and emotions and even pain at times, I want to hunger for God more and see things through His eyes. I want to discover and explore how I can more fully trust Him and cling to the cross.


Anonymous said...

I read what you post... and I'm praying for you now. I'm so very encouraged by the things you share. I never got to know you while you were here, but the reach of your desire to share truth and what God's been teaching you has affected me now that you're not here. Thanks for being sensitive to the Spirit and sharing as you're led. It's more encouraging than you know, I think. : )

ER Elmes said...

I reas your blog Janelle! Praying for you and really excited that you're doing a course in counselling. I think God will use you in incredible ways through it! :) Emily xxx

Virginia said...

Janelle, you are prayed for in this moment on these specific issues... and always for everything you need from His grace power and love.
Your witness to what you learn of Him is so encouraging to me...thank you for regularly writing and continually sharing your spiritual journey.