Challenged

It's been a challenging few weeks. Not circumstantially...but inwardly. In my heart, and my mind. Josh and I, along with some family members, have just finished the book Radical by David Platt.

It has been life-transforming. Perspective-altering. I recommend it to you. Highly.

The reader is challenged to take a look at the wealth in America. I have never in my life considered myself to be wealthy...until reading this book. Mere shelter, water, food, and transportation of any kind {including public} make me among a very small percent of the wealthiest in the WORLD.

Josh just finished reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan and I have benefited from his thoughts on it greatly. Can't wait to dig into it myself.

God is using these books {they are mere tools...He is the One working} to open my eyes and challenge my perspective.

I take pride in how little money we have spent on our furniture or decorations in our apartment. I make it a personal goal to spend as little as I can on food for us each month. Often, I make gifts instead of purchasing them. I love coupons, and getting deals. I take comfort in knowing we give money away regularly and work to live on as little as possible. We have what I would consider a small savings account for emergencies.

Emergency.

Funny word, huh? Francis Chan challenges the perspective of our "Emergency Funds"...to maybe fix a car. Or not need to be uncomfortable, but just keep right on living as if a great expense hadn't come up unexpectedly. {makes it kind of easy to not trust God if our hearts aren't engaged} Yet. Isn't starvation around the world an emergency? Or sex trafficking? Kind of puts my "emergency" in a different category...do I not think other's lives are as important as mine? Or...as my running-perfectly car? ::gulp::

Do I turn and look away from how a sacrifice of my earthly comforts, could make a difference in eternity? Do I ACTUALLY believe this life is temporary, and the next is forever? Ugh. It is so sad. So often, I do not live to believe this.

I have been challenged by the teaching of Christ. To give. My time. My gifts. My resources. He has given them all to me. To enjoy, yes. And to give away to bless others.

Not giving what is comfortable to give...or what's left over. David Platt talks about "What we can spare" and "What it will take." He has helped me re-define "necessity."

Just think how different the Gospel would look if God didn't ask the question, "What will it take" in regards to saving us. Praise Him for sending our Saviour!

"Well ya, but..." has been the beginning of many, many, many thoughts as I've listened, dialogued, read, and prayed. Yet, the probing of my heart has not stopped.

I am so grateful for a husband who so understands the message of Christ-- one that challenges our hearts. He has been an amazing godly encouragement and leads me so well. Encouraging me with things like, "Wealth is not wrong. Loving it is."

Right. It's not about how much I am giving or what homeless/poverty ministry {if any} I'm involved in. But where is my heart? What am I really passionate about? How MUCH do I want to help others? Am I willing to sacrifice? Do I even know what that means?

This blog post has no resolution to it...it is mere musings. Thoughts not fully processed. Join me in wrestling with what this looks like for you. It will be different for both of us.

But my prayer is that as a nation especially...with more wealth and resources than any other...that as a church, we would be affected by the needs around us...mostly the spiritual needs. And that we would be bothered enough to actually do something about them.

You surpass them all.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

I was going to make a list up to how old you are...but I thought...you might not appreciate that. So...its up to how old I am :)

Things I love about you:

1. How you consistently encourage me to trust the LORD.

  Whether it was waiting for a husband, needing guidance about moving overseas {or back}, dealing with relationships, confusion about circumstances...your counsel is the same: Trust. Trust the One who does know.

2. How you live your own counsel...you trust the LORD.

While the ways to list this are beyond number...the one that most has affected my life...is how you trust God with your children. {Any moms reading: this is the secret!!!} Whether it was in my High School rebelious years, or releasing us kids to move to various parts of the world with your prayers and support...or perhaps its even been most in my adult life that I've enjoyed this: You honestly and fully 100% completely believe and trust that I am seeking God...and HE WILL LEAD ME. There are no words to thank you for this. Your confidence in the Holy Spirit's work in my life, has granted me more freedom in grace than you could know. Your girls love it so much...we talk over the phone about how much of a blessing it is to us. Thank you, Mom.

3. How you always put your left hand on your hip when you cook.

 Turns out...its hereditary ;)

4. The way you toss popcorn in that big silver bowl.

  Hundreds and thousands of times. To bless people, to thank them, to say, "thinking of you and love you"...or just to fill a box you're popping in the post. Better to have edible popcorn than the styrofoam kind, right? ;)

5. How you submit to your husband.

  I was over 18 years old before I learned you and daddy didn't always fully agree on rules for us!

This same submission {and trust in God} has moved you from the place you called home for over 20 years...the wood floors that your children learned to walk on...the poles we slild down in the basement...the sidewalks we rode our bikes on and then wrote Nan, Pops, and Nicole "welcome" signs with chalk...you left it to follow what God was leading you and daddy to. A place where you knew no one. Just to do the same thing a few years later, and move again. You have done this with joy, and trust in both daddy, and the LORD.

6. Your warmth.

  Everyone feels like your kid because of how much you love.

7. That you're more expressive and enthusiastic than me.

8. That you're older than your husband and met him at a wedding.

  Turns out...that's hereditary too.

9. How hilarious you are!

  No text is received without a laugh! {sometimes...I forward the really funny ones to my friends.}

10. How welcoming you are.

  Everyone is invited. All the time. Even if we just met them over a weekend and we don't really know them...they can come on our family vacation. {my favourite part about this example...is that its not an exaggeration.}

11. How you try to come up with reasons to give us money.

  "um...this is for doing my hair. And to get something to eat before you get on the plane." When you've really given me 1500x the amount that would cost. "This is for letting us come see you..." ...right. and ALLLL the expenses that entails. "This is for gas." "But mom, someone else drove me." "Well, this is for the gas you would've spent."

12. How you tell me I'm so creative whenever I make a craft of any kind.

  ...when in reality...you make more crafts than anyone on the planet.

13. How you always say that Pops would be proud of me and my business.

14. That all you wanted when we were little was for us "to get along" with eachother.

  ...and how 20 years later...its one of the things that blesses you the most: your kids' relationships with each other.

15. The Crazy 8's are still in your life...how many years later? {shhh. no one will tell.}

  High School friends and relationships that have lasted DECADES.

16. The way you're "From New Jersey" when you mean business.

  and that you came up with that expression and all your kids know what it means ;)

17. How hard you fight for peace in relationships.

18. The way you say, "Oh honey!"

19. How absolutely amazing you are with any child anywhere.

20. The ways you rejoiced with me and encouraged me that Josh was "the one" and so very evidently who God was leading me to.

  "How was picking up the Best Man? Was he cute?! I PRAYED he was cute!"

21. How you "could talk to me all day" every time we talk.

22. That cheese and crackers is always the first snack offered.

  Of course with a glass of wine.

23. The way you tell stories.

  They are the BEST.

24. How you used to make us watch random Oprah shows so we'd remember not to talk to strangers.

  It worked! :)

25. How sympathetic you are.

  You always tell me I must be so tired and I'm working so hard. I need a nap and to have some fun.

26. That you're MY mom.

  And you always will be.

I love you so much! Happy Birthday!

{Dear everyone: please feel free to comment about the reasons YOU love my mom}

The Voices of Others

Satan loves it. He encourages lies. He wants us to feel our filth without finding cleansing. He doesn't want us to silence the voices of others in our heads...

I imagine everyone battles this to some degree. I would imagine girls struggle more...probably because we DO it more.

Its the sneaky, un-stated, un-communicated expectations that we put on others...and that they put on us. That when un-met, breed tension, difficulty, strife, and confusion.

Chances are, we've all been on both the giving and receiving ends of this disgusting expectation. We've helped rob joy from others because of our selfishness. We've communicated legalistically with others, while giving ourselves heapings of grace. We've voluntarily withheld love. We've closed our mouths in self-righteousness thinking we were "being the bigger person" when we should've opened it to communicate our struggle. We've stopped pursuing because other's aren't responding-- and we try to come up with a reason in our minds as to "why" they're not doing what we want. We've ignored conflict. Or on the other end, we've instigated conflict by judging those who've not met our own expectations- calling it sin while not knowing their heart.

...and the sad part is...I'm sure we're more aware of when its done TO us, than when we are the culprits.

I find it incredibly hard to feel "forgiven" for these un-stated offenses. It's as though I think, because they are "hidden" (have not been communicated to me)...God must not be aware of them either...so He can't forgive them...but they still exist. I am still condemned for them.

Not matter how hard anyone tries to convince me that it's not my responsibility to "figure out" what I've done wrong, or to trust that God will bring something out if and when He chooses...I am fighting so.stinkin.hard to let it go. I want to KNOW what I must've done wrong for someone to've "said this" or "done that". It is hard to pretend "I don't know" that they talk to others about whatever it is I've not measured up to. And I desperately want to know. I want to change. I want to hear those conversations and ask questions...

Years ago, this looked like reputation-preservation in myself. By the grace of God, I don't believe that's as strong as it once was. Yet, in recent months, He is tugging at sinful roots that go far deeper.

I am not trusting. I feel I cannot trust. Without hearing the other's "side" or perspective...surely I am guilty of whatever it is they have against me. I don't trust God. I don't trust the consistent observation of those closest to me and most involved in my life. I think to myself, "We all must be deceived. Whatever my 'condemner' says must be the real truth."

And as I drove down the road yesterday, contemplating these things...the Holy Spirit brought His Word to me,

"So far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." Romans 12:18

...I just looked it up to find the reference and found another absolute beauty: it begins, "If possible..."

If possible. As far as it is my responsibility.

That is it. I must find peace. Peace in knowing that GOD...the Almighty Creator of the Universe...against whom I have sinned so horrifically, no human's offense- real or perceived, could compare...HE has forgiven me. HE has seen me, HE has spoken to me in many moments of me asking what I can do to fulfill "as far as it depends on me." All I can do is my responsibility. Then, I must trust Him. He is working where I cannot see. And He is obviously using this in my own heart and life as well...to draw Him to Himself. To show the cross bigger...to see grace abound even more.

...I must give it up. I cannot, and will not please/serve others well. Especially by their own definition. I cannot guarantee them that they will not be hurt by my actions...when there is real sin, or perceived. I am not in control of my relationships: I am responsible for my own actions. I must learn this distinction.

...and I must let His voice...be the voice most heard:

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." Romans 8

So what about you? What voices are playing in your head? What lies do you hear? When you feel you don't measure up, are you quick to boast in the cross...or do you want to know and understand and make it right?

May the LORD sweetly and gently teach our hearts...that His is the Only Voice that matters.

Style Me Pretty Blog

Our wonderful wedding photographer, Cheryl {cheryldawnphotography.blogspot.com} submitted our wedding to Style Me Pretty...and they posted it on their blog!

Check it out HERE!

Very weak in joy.

I imagine very few people will be able to relate to this posting. It is obscure, and I would guess...unusual.

Here I am, in my home-- making a salad with local produce from next door. I'm beyond-happily married to the most amazing man ever. And I cannot believe a man such as THAT loves ME. I am about to sit down and open my Bible and enjoy Truth. Today has consisted of so many fun things- creating a care package for a friend going out of the country on a missions trip, baking, cleaning, riding my bike through our adorable town to run an errand at CVS {the weather is beautiful} and I am just soaking in all of the temporary, yet so hoped-for and waited-for blessings this current season holds.

And I notice yet again, this bizarre mis-conception of God that I've seen at other times in recent years and in re-occurring conversations...

It's as though, I'm "afraid" or hesitant to go to God in abundant joy continuing to thank Him for all of these beautiful things that remind me of His love.

You see, with back-to-back traumatic, heart wrenching, rug pulled out from under me trials and heart aches in circumstances and relationships for a consecutive 5 years...I learned of God's love as I could tangibly feel my weakness. He ministered to me so sweetly in the midst of darkness. As I quoted His promises and swallowed tears. As I journaled about "hope" and "the future" and "redemption." In countless times of loneliness and misunderstanding, I knew He was with me and He understood. Glorious. Beautiful. Wouldn't trade those things I've learned for anything.

And yet, that is the opposite kind of season I find myself in now. My distorted perspective that's been revealed in the past couple of years, is that God prefers when I go through trials and tangibly experience my need for Him. He would rather me be alone and in pain because that's when I'm most rigorously being conformed to the image of Christ. I functionally believe the lie that God is more pleased with me when I'm struggling...because I know His nearness in a different way than in times of rejoicing.

And yet...this season of rejoicing has been long-lasting. The longest-lasting I can remember. The longest "stretch" of happiness and ease in my life. {And without question, the happiest time in my life.} And I am still sorting out how to best glorify God from my heart in this season. I at times find myself reluctant to thank Him for all the little blessings, because {oh this is so ridiculous!} I think if He realized how many gifts He was giving me all at one time, He might take some of them away to better "balance" this season out. Horrifying. That is so not His character. As if He "keeps track" to not "overdue it." What does this reveal about my lack of understanding of the Gospel?!

He loves to bless me. It is easy for me to remember that in times of trial. I look ahead to the "blessings" that whatever "growth" I'm experiencing will lead to. But it is so hard for me to TRULY believe He loves to bless me...when I'm receiving the blessing. Which is so ironic...because I could counsel someone else all day long on how much God loves to bless them. I must subconsciously think I don't fall under the same category.

I have been so perplexed about how to overcome this perspective and how to replace it with truth. Not just in my mind...but in my heart. I want to LIVE like I believe this.

It turns out...I am weak in seasons of joy. I am reluctant and hesitant. Oh, how I want that to change. I want to be strong in joy. Unashamed of the blessings God is giving me! 

Timeless Truth

I love Scripture.

It never changes. It always applies. God is the same...always.

I've recently taken an opportunity to make some extra cash but it's meant being away from my husband for ten days.

When I was single and waiting for God to bring my husband into my life, I regularly took comfort in Psalm 139, pouring my heart out to the Lord. Trusting He knows my desires and what I need and the un-utterable things I was looking for in a husband. Waiting on God's timing. Trusting He knows best.

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!"

"You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways."

...and then when I'd met Josh and we were waiting for him to get a different job before we got engaged, I had this on an index card on the bathroom mirror,

"...in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me when as yet there was none of them."

I used that to remind me that GOD knew my wedding date even if I didn't. He could see what I couldn't and it had been planned since before I was created...nothing could change it.

And this morning, as I'm 994 miles away from the man I most love in all the world and haven't been able to talk to very much in the last 8 days, here I am reading this same truth.

God has known today completely since before I was born. He knows my thoughts- He discerns them from afar. HE IS NEAR. He knows the conversations I need to have today...and he's "altogether" known my words even before they are on my tongue.

So when I read, "I awake, and I am still with you"...I'm aware that I'm NOT waking up next to my beloved husband.

BUT. This timeless truth gives such comfort and peace: HE is with me. The One who has known all of my days. The One's whose eyes saw my unformed substance before I was made.

There is sweetness in the beauty of it all. My seasons of life have changed drastically: yet here He is. The same God, the same promises and truth.

Gorgeous.

Vows

Because vows are the focal point of the wedding {in my opinion} I thought it'd be fun to share our vows with you, the blogging world. That way, you can feel like you attended the ceremony :)

Eat some banana chocolate chip bread/cake, have a sip of coffee, and do a little dance and you've attended the reception too.

Josh's vows:

Beautiful Janelle,

You are the love of my life, the most precious and perfect gift from God Almighty to me, His son. I never doubted that God would provide a woman to marry, but of the character of that woman, I could not have dared ask for one as you. You are without question more in love with God and His Word than any woman I have ever met. You are an unwavering encouragement to put all trust in God's faithfulness. You have taught me what true, active faith in the sovereignty of God looks like against life's abundant questions. You regularly display the most ridiculous selflessness towards my preferences and comfort at the neglect of your own. And you have visibly demonstrated your love for God in how you love and care for me. I am convinced that God brought us together and that He placed you in my life to be my wife so that together we would more fervently and passionately serve the name of Jesus. People say to be careful you are not finding your fulfillment in another but what I believe we have is a God-glorifying, God-honouring relationship that has built our faith in God's love and goodness as the One provider of all fulfillment. God promises in His Holy Word that as our Heavenly Father, He knows how to give His children good gifts. And Janelle, as a child of God, I have never in my life received such a purely spectacular, concretely undeserved, stunningly beautiful, exquisitely identifiable gift and demonstration of God's love for me as you, my gorgeous girl, are. 

The love I have for you is both a deep attraction and emotional response, but that is just the surface. My love for you, Janelle Ann Leach, is rooted in the faithfulness of God and is as true and lasting a commitment as I have ever made or will make apart from my relationship with Jesus Christ. So in the sight of our dear friends, loving family, and above all, our Creator, Sustainer, God Most High, I make these vows as my marriage covenant to you. These vows are to be an enduring covenant between you and I in the strength of the Holy Spirit without exception until death. 

Janelle, I vow today to take you as my wife from this day forward. To live with you in an understanding manner, to love you more than I love myself, being willing to lay down my life for yours. To lead you in the ways of God our Father as He leads me. To provide for your life with my strength. To hold you close in all triumphs, as well as hardships. To encourage you to mortify sin and take hold of obedience. To rejoice with you in God's goodness and faithfulness. To care for you in plenty and in poverty, and above all, to personally strive to loving God with all my heart, soul, and strength as I work to cultivate a humble spirit that seeks His glory and His Kingdom. I vow all of this to you, Janelle, in God's abundant strength, incomprehensible power, and loving wisdom. I commit my life, and all that I have to you as we join together as one in the sight of God through this marriage covenant until the Lord receives one of us to Himself. Love you. 

My vows:

Joshua Mark Morrison. You are a gift from God. Aside from the Gospel, you are the most profound expression of the Lord’s steadfast love and faithfulness in my life. You are the greatest answer to prayer that I ever have or ever will experience. Your mere existence has built my faith. Your pursuit of me, and your humble and bold leadership of our relationship is a glorious demonstration of the LORD’s listening ear and how He is intimately acquainted with all of my ways; He has heard all of my requests. Surely, God does far more abundantly than all we ask or imagine. Glory to His Name.

I love you with all that I am, and with all that I have. Your character, integrity, and godliness have exceeded even my boldest prayer requests. Your love and affection for God, your passion for His Word, and your heart for the lost, has completely won my heart. I love God more because of how YOU love God, and because of how you love me. Thank you for demonstrating the grace of the Gospel to me in so many ways.

As I have watched marriages over the years I have come to realize that I don’t actually know what exactly it is I am committing to today. I have no idea what trials in this life we will face, or what heart aches await us. I don’t know where God will lead us or where I’m committing to follow you to. I can’t predict ways you or I will change over the years or what sacrifices each of us will need to make. I have no idea how you’ll sin against me, or the ways I’ll sin against you. I don’t know anything about our future. But what I do know is that God is faithful.  I know that the Gospel will never change, so there will always be hope. Hope for us individually, and hope for our marriage. I know that God will never leave us and that He is committed to making us more like Himself. He is ultimately my head. He has given you to me for me to follow, submit to, honour, respect, encourage, and love until the day that I go to be with Him forever. I commit my life to you not because of who you are (even though you are entirely amazing)…but because of who God is. I promise these things to you based on His character…so that no matter what you do or don’t do, how you fail or succeed, my commitments to you will not waiver because they are not based on you, but on the Unchanging One and what He has called me to.

So, it is with deep, passionate, steadfast love for you, and a sincere confidence that marrying you is submitting in obedience to the will of our Saviour, that I joyfully make these vows to you today.

I, Janelle Ann Leach, take you, Joshua Mark Morrison to be my husband. I purpose to love you well by seeking to always love Christ more. I promise to seek to serve you in our life together- by striving to care for you, listen to you, respect you, and to be attentive to your needs and wants even above my own. I want to make it easy for you to always be intoxicated with my love. I vow to pray for you; fervently and often. I commit myself to studying Scripture and to cultivating an on-going desire to model Biblical Femininity. I want to always be open and honest with you- no matter what. I hope that wherever we call “home” throughout our years, I’m able to make a place of rest and relaxation for you. I will seek to show hospitality to others and desire that many would come and experience the love of God and demonstrations of the Gospel in our home. I purpose to be willingly inconvenienced for the betterment of you and your schedule. I promise to follow you wherever the LORD leads you; any city, any state, any country; anytime, anywhere. I devote myself to learning how to better support you, encourage you, affirm the work I see God doing in you, and to treasure your strengths and gifting as they compliment my weaknesses. If the Lord should bless us with children, I desire most to pursue humility- as your wife, and as their mother. I purpose to respect you and speak highly of you in front of them and to them. I promise to do all I know how to train our children in the way they should go; it is my desire to exemplify a life of one that fears the Lord above all else. I vow to pray for them and their salvation; I promise to treasure your role as “Leader” in our family. I want to exemplify humble, wise submission and respect as the Lord leads our family by speaking to you. I promise to repent to you when the Lord convicts me of sin. When necessary, I will give my energy and prayer to seeking to forgive you as Christ has forgiven me; freely, fully, and completely. I want to regularly ask God to show me how I can be a better wife to you. I intend to glean from other’s wisdom and experience and to grow in knowledge and understanding as to how I can be a better wife and mother. I also want to pursue God’s will for US; for our marriage, and our family, knowing it may be very different than other’s experiences.

As I seek to be regularly affected by God’s love for me, and grow in understanding the love Christ has demonstrated to us…it is my hope that our marriage is the first place my overflow of love and joy abounds while I’m delighting in the Lord. I want you to enjoy the Gospel more because of my love, as I have enjoyed the Gospel so much more because of YOUR love.

It is because of God’s promise to complete the work He’s begun in me that I even desire to commit these things to you today. I know that He is my Helper, and this is what He has called me to. Even when I am faithless, He will be faithful, and He will have His way. So, Josh, with everything I am, before God, our family and friends, I pledge my life completely to serving you all the days of my life.