Sunday, October 11, 2009

Am I cheating?

"It feels like I'm doing it all wrong. It can't be like this- I'm missing something. What have I forgotten? What's been lost? What sin am I blind to?"

Those are the thoughts/questions that can run through my mind as I feel like I have an "unaffected heart" and wonder if I'm abusing grace.

I can try it all. Getting up earlier. Reading the Bible slower. Reading different passages. Fasting. Reading other books. Crying out to God...wanting to do "my part." (Ha! as if this wasn't all HIS work...)

As the storms of life have seemed heavy and one after another in the last several seems as though my most "normal" relatings to God have been out of tangible desperation, weakness, or confusion. This isn't a bad thing-- but when life is sunny and bright with no rain clouds in I think something is wrong?

(Haha...yep, I do! But, its not. This, with the help of others, I am slowly learning...)

When the sun shines bright I can enjoy running to God out of abundant love for Him! God doesn't promise to only grow me when things are hard. It's not more holy or godly to have trials and pains than to enjoy the gifts the Good Giver bestows. (ah, do I really believe that?)

I find myself saying, "Really?!" to all the answers of grace I've received about my questions over this weekend. After hearing Pete's message this morning and being so affected by the holiness, humility, and love of Jesus...or Dave's message tonight-- Christ knew even the ways I would fail Him before He chose to save me...and here it is: grace abounds to me. It's nuts! It's crazy! It's not only undeserved, its ill-deserved...and yet...

here it is...

Mine. Grace unmeasured, vast, and free. It knew me from eternity.

It's all of grace. No matter what season of life I'm in, who my friends are, who I live with, what decisions lie ahead of me, what my time with the LORD looks like, how my "performance" has been in the last weeks or months...'s all of grace. God does not love me any more or any less. Jesus Christ took EVERY sin that I have or will commit throughout my lifetime...and He gave me His perfection.

I want to do as the Israelites did in Exodus 12:27...bow my head, and worship.



Joy Leach said...

oh how we are sisters...

Anonymous said...

i miss you, by the way.

My year in Wales... a memoir in the making said...

Praise the Lord that we can sing "Blessed be your name when the suns shining down on me and the worlds all as it should be blessed be your name...blessed be your name on road marked with suffering tho theres pain in the offering BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!!!"

Thanks for this bit of truth!